So today, something funny happened. I also think it is ironic that in this case, starting off with that would seem like an excuse in the context, as this thing which happened caused me to be unable to do my homework. (Imagining a conversation as "Well why didn't you do your homework?" "It's a funny story...") But in this case the story is actually funny, at least to me.

So I had just finished reading my daily pages in the Scarlet Letter, when I closed my eyes for a moment and accidentally slept for an hour. When I woke up, it took me twenty minutes to start thinking clearly (meaning not in the dazed way in which someone who suddenly wakes up but is still tired thinks). So, of course, I could not start my homework, which of course would take longer than the ten minutes that I had left before I had to go to bed.

I will be fine, this homework isn't due until the 5th, but I was supposed to work on it, because our teacher has been warning us against procrastination. I will definitely need to start working hard tomorrow, though. The problem is that at the same time, our teacher has assigned us two other things, one being to read the Scarlet Letter by the 12th, and the other being the same sort of assignment as the one which I suppose I am currently procrastinating: a précis, where one analyzes an article, finds and asks questions, and writes a summary.

And then, of course, I have my other classes on top of that. But the only homework I really get is in French.

Kind of still tired, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight

The school week is over and I'm so exhausted and it's kind of depressing knowing that this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of the year. But today, I'm going to the outdoor YMCA with my girl scout troop, and I'm just going to relax and read and maybe swim a little. So yeah. And this past week I turned 15. I thought that might be important to mention. But because I got my iPhone as an early birthday present in July, I only got a pedometer and some gift cards for this birthday. So it kind of made my birthday un-special.  (Although, I'm just saying, my brothers got iPhones, and also everything else that they normally would have gotten for a birthday. But whatever. It's not like I want to be the favorite or anything.) And also we couldn't even celebrate it on the same day as my birthday because for the first time ever in the history of my birthdays, school had already started, and thus girl scout meetings had started, and I had to go to a stupid meeting where the mothers of children talked and wouldn't let anyone else say anything and they brought up the concerns of their daughters, but because NO ONE ELSE could say anything, I didn't get to bring up my concerns, and neither did half the troop, AND I HAD TO SIT THROUGH THIS CRAP INSTEAD OF CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY.

So, um, yeah. Not the best birthday ever. And also, I was going to have my birthday party today, but because they wanted to have this thing today, I couldn't, because the few people from the troop that I would invite would come to my birthday, and most of the people going to this thing would be offended, and SOMEONE would start drama, because all they live for is drama. And I don't have a free week-end until the middle of September-ish. So.

I'm a bit bitter right now. Excuse me.

So I'm in school now. And I'm sick. Not having the best time ever. 

6 Days. I don't know what comes next.

I got my chromebook for school today. Our school is trying this thing where they give everyone a chromebook, and force everyone to pay $60 or else they can't participate in any school activities such as sports, commencement, or dances. Which is kind of stupid. But whatever, I can deal with it.

I'm honestly not a big fan of the chromebook, because it doesn't have Microsoft programs, or a hard drive, and I really just don't like using Google docs. But it's for school, and I kind of have to deal with it.

School starts in five days. I'm really not looking forward to it.

The first tennis match of the season is tomorrow, which is exciting. The un-exciting thing, however, is that I probably won't get to play, because I'm #8 on the Varsity lineup, and only three singles games and two doubles games, with a total of seven players, count. But I'm first singles on JV, so it won't be a bad season at all.

I'm sad. I'm just so sad. Because apparently I'm a disappointment, and the reason this family is falling apart, and I just cause every single problem. Which isn't true. But when she says things like that, and calls me stupid and not good enough, I do feel like I'm not good enough. I try to talk to her about that but whenever I say anything about how I feel like that, she thinks I'm calling her a bad parent, or that I'm too sensitive and need to get over it. So I'm really sad, and I don't know any other way to say how much I just want to go away, and I just really want someone to care.

And this day had been going pretty well. But now I'm worried about every part of it. Did I look crappy in my tennis pictures? Do the girls on varsity think I'm annoying? Will those chips I had make me gain weight? I was honestly doing so much better, and I was actually hopeful about everything. But I guess that's over now. 

Okay, that shopping trip was super duper awesome. I got stuff from Forever 21, H&M, Bath & Body Works, and Dick's. I got a dress, a button-up, some $8 jeans, and a sweater at F21, a sweater at H&M, a candle for my mom (vanilla chai) and some hand sanitizers for me at B&BW, and some sports bras for tennis at Dick's. That was pretty successful, I think. 

Okay so the best camp ever and the highlight of my summers for the past four years just ended. We had our final show, and performed our dance which me and my friends (but, ahem, mostly me) choreographed. I already miss everyone. So. Much. I probably won't see most of these people ever again. Because I have officially "graduated" from camp. And also, the director announced that they are not doing a show again, even if they have camp again next year. So everything has changed now, and it's so sad.

Today I'm going shopping with my friend Brooke, because Ashley cancelled on me (again. For unclear reasons. Obviously I'm still a little miffed. Oh, and she didn't think to tell me this until yesterday. So yeah.) But anyway, me and Brooke are going to the mall in Mentor. To be honest, it is so hard to shop at the mall. Because most of the stores that have actual good clothes don't have anything that fits me. (I'm kind of really tall.) So that's annoying. But I'm still going to find stuff. Probably from Maurice's or H&M. Whatever. This fall, I kind of want a jean jacket. Like, something to be warm in and still look okay. Because I have loads of ratty sweatshirts, but I can't wear those a bunch.

In other news, I got a haircut. So that's going to be fun to do stuff with.

This is (from left to right) Emily, Ashley, and me performing our dance at the show.


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=341289819360358&set=vb.100004380275822&type=2&theater

That's the link to the video, because I couldn't save it from Facebook to my computer.

 

And here is a picture of me and my short hair.

As for my countdown, I don't really care what the future brings right now. I just can't stop thinking about how it's all over. Theater camp, and the show, and my friends from camp. I might never see these friends again. I might never visit theater camp because they may not have it again. It's all just, gone.

I'll post more videos from the show later, including Thriller, and the Purple People Eaters dance that Ashley and I choreographed.

12 days to the second day of school, and also an awesome birthday balloon which I have been promised.

Update: She didn't give me a balloon. And also didn't wish me a happy birthday. Because she forgets everything about me, unless it has something to do with her. She was probably preoccupied by the fact that she's "officially" going out with the boy who is my friend who was also her ex-boyfriend who has been flirting with her all summer, and who was always complaining to me about how she wouldn't go out with him, and who I had to keep reassuring that it would all be fine, and she told me that she would never go out with him again, and he just kept being miserable, and uuuuugh. But she was also flirting with him the whole time, which led him to think that they would go out, and all summer he was miserable because they weren't dating and he was kind of mad because she kept leading him on, and with all of this I was just exhausted, and now I kind of feel like she is cruel and he is a pushover, because even after all of what she put him through, he would still go out with her again. But whatever. I'm dropping this whole thing. I don't have the time for this now.

13 days to possibly a cat (Oh gosh I hope so)

14 days to new goals

16 Days to Something New

I'm so happy that I don't have to be like anyone else. I don't have to be girly, or happy, or chatty, or hairstyle/makeup obsessed, or energetic, or outgoing, or texting my friends all the time. I can just be me, and no one can expect anything else.

 

I guess I'm kind of optimistic right now. Because it's still summer. Because we finished choreographing the dance I was worried about. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj9XlfXC4gU .

 

Because things are better than they were yesterday. I don't know. Maybe I just care less. People will think things about me. They can do that. That's them. And if they're mean to me because of what they think of me, the only fault is in them.

 

Because school is coming. But I can't change that. And even though school is sometimes very stressful for me, and I sometimes hate it, it is still coming, and it will come. Maybe it won't be so bad. And sometimes I like the challenge.

 

And tennis is starting. And even though we have very few games this season, that was never really the point. The point was my teammates, and the way we cheered each other on, and the way we said crazy things on the bus coming back from an away game at 8:00 at night from exhaustion.

 

And my theater camp play is coming. And we aren't ready. But I can only do my best, and that's what I will do. And besides, we have a whole week left. Anything could happen.

 

And a lot of what I ever worried about was all in my head. These things haven't happened yet, but here I was, ruining them, ruining any chance I had to enjoy them. Why did I do that.

 

16 days to something new.

Watching old TV shows and eating some chocolate. This is my kind of night.

Right now is really weird. Because I kind of just want to sleep and eat. Because it's Sunday and I don't have anything to do and I'm just tired and hungry and all that. But I never could go to sleep again after I woke up, and I just ate lunch and I really shouldn't even be hungry right now. So yeah. I really should do something today.

Another installment of The Type of Person I Hate:

Type 4: The Low-Appetite Showoff

The kind of person who can have just fruit for breakfast, or a salad for lunch, and be full. The kind of person who does not have to think about food all the time, and isn't hungry all the time. This isn't so much a person I hate as a person I am jealous of. If you are this person, I can definitely still be friends with you. But when this kind of person is very "look at me and how little I'm eating" as opposed to just eating all that fruit and salad stuff, that's when I get really annoyed. Like, when these people literally always talk about what they've eaten that day, or more realistically, what they haven't. I just don't get it.

Why do people think they can be mean and get away with it?

I wish that the words didn't hurt like they do.

Ugh. The thunder is shaking the floor and the lights are flickering. Another flash flood warning. It was hailing on the way home, but it stopped. This is ridiculous though. It's summer. We are not living in a rainforest. It is supposed to be sunny!

So my mom just called me stupid. Again. Because I "couldn't find the Gogurt which has been in the same place for months". I wasn't even looking for Gogurt. And she won't apologize because she thinks she's done nothing wrong. I told her it makes me feel crappy when she says that, but she's just like, "I can't help how you feel." Well, if you insult someone, your goal is obviously to make them feel like crap, so...

I really don't need this right now. I have a day ahead of doing boring stuff, and then when I'm done with that, some exhausting stuff that needs to be finished today but because I have to work with people who have to argue everything probably won't be finished today, or will end up being crappy.

And I had to wake up at 7 after staying up late last night because my mom guilted me into helping her unload garage sale stuff at a sale ten minutes away. And she knows that I won't be able to go back to sleep, and also that it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep every night, and that I went to bed at like midnight. So yeah. 6 hours of sleep, and an exhausting day ahead. I don't even drink coffee, so there's nothing I can do.

I just want to be done with today.

If I was gone, where on earth would you get your sense?

This sentence pretty much sums up why my friends keep me around. ;)

Just some thoughts