Procrastinating studying for finals and a last-minute social studies project.

My brothers are at 6th grade camp for three days! Peace! Quiet! The ability to study for finals! Oh, what a life!

 

I can't get this stupid song out of my head!

I just got really mad at my mom.

My brother was making fun of me, saying something like, “Sarah’s just going to sit in her room on the computer for the whole camping trip.” I normally wouldn’t have been offended. But this was coming from a little boy who spends hours each day playing on x-box, watching YouTube videos on his nook, playing games on his iPod, and watching TV. He is the one who actually never does anything when we go camping. I’m the one who has been a Girl Scout for eight years. I’m the one who knows what real camping is (which by the way is not what we are doing this weekend at all). So all I did was tell him to stop saying mean things like that. I didn’t say why, because I would get into trouble for accusing him of things that are completely true (even though he got into no trouble whatsoever for accusing me of something that will be the opposite of true).

My amazing mother then proceeded to tell me that I was too sensitive, and could never take a joke, and it was probably true anyway, and she bets that I’ve never laughed anything off, and I was totally overreacting, and no one else would get offended by that, and how she knows that because she knows everybody and all the people that she knows are way more significant than the people I know that I claim would take offense to such an innocent joke.

This made my brother say something along the lines of “Yeah, jeez, Sarah.” So, my mom, by having a problem with what I took offense to, has allowed my brother to disregard my wishes of to not be made fun of. So she has basically given him the go-ahead to insult me again.

The worst part is, that when I tried to stress the importance of the fact that while she has issues with what I am offended by, I was nevertheless offended by it, and since I asked for that kind of “joke” not to be repeated, I should be listened to, she totally changed topics and launched into the general “You are an irrational bratty ungrateful teenager who is stupid and dramatic and too uptight” speech.

I can honestly never get my point across in an argument, because every time we argue, and she can’t win because I am making sense, she goes into that whole rant and I eventually have to just stop talking to her because eventually one of us would go crazy.

She has the weirdest logic, too. She has literally admitted, on several occasions, that she won’t take anything I say seriously until I’m an adult. Like I’m going to just suddenly start being right when I turn 18? I think she has this idea that I’ll someday see how irrational I’m being, and thank her for constantly making fun of me, lowering my self-esteem, and ruining any respect anyone ever had for me. Ha!

But honestly, this all really hurts me. I’ll never be able to get my brothers to stop making fun of me because they’re “allowed to” now. I’ll never believe in myself because she always doubted me. I will never have good self-esteem because after she has been insulting me for years, I sometimes believe that what she says is true. It’s really weird. Even though she has never respected me, liked me, or cared about me, I still want to make her proud, and to show her that I’m not what she says I am. It’s sort of like a bully at school whose opinion you can’t stop caring about (girls will be familiar with this).

I try not to post stuff like this, but this whole thing really just grinds my gears. (Something my dad would say, but I won’t start talking about him, too.) I really just needed to write it all down, to get it out. I’m posting it because it’s a part of who I am, and I couldn’t just leave it without feeling like I was ignoring or avoiding a big issue.

Jusqu’à la fois prochaine.

Double Standards

If you have parents, then there are definitely some double standards in your life. This goes even more when you have younger siblings. Today I will share with you some of the ridiculous double standards in my life.

1. If my brother hits me, and I am actually hurt, and I say something about it, I am too sensitive. But if I poke him, and he starts whining about me hitting him although I did not, and he is obviously not hurt, I am yelled at.

2. If I leave my door closed, I am yelled at for being "too antisocial" and I am "a part of this family so start acting like it". But if I leave my door open, it is totally okay for people to just step in whenever they want, even if I am doing homework or an extremely important essay and cannot be bothered.

3. If I work all day (housework, yardwork, homework, etc.) and then in the evening I want to watch a movie on Netflix in my room, I am a "lazy, ungrateful brat", though this person saw me working, and commented on how hard I was working.

4. My parents yell at me for staying in my room for most of the day (weekends and most of summer), but if I go downstairs, I am yelled at for bothering someone while they have very important work to do (which, besides actual work, may be things like knitting, Sudoku, or checking Facebook).

I decided to write this down because these things have really been bothering me. I'm not totally sure how I'm supposed to act around my family now, because everything I do turns out to be wrong. So I'm just kind of depressed about this right now.

Just found out I'm going to Salt Fork next weekend for camping! Yay! We'll be in a cabin, so it's not like if it rains (which it probably will) we'll have nothing to do. Also, we haven't gone anywhere since Thanksgiving, when we went to visit my cousins in New Jersey. So I'm really glad to get out of here. :)

I just got back from dance class, and we now have all of our costumes for the recital coming up. All I have to say, is YIKES. My costumes for ballet and tap, while pretty, don't go with the dances at all. My jazz costume makes me look like a stripper. And my pointe costume has this weird netting on the tutu. The netting doesn't seem so bad, until you accidentally brush your hand against it while moving to a different arm position, and your arm is captured and it sort of looks like you're caught in a fish net. So, yeah. Not my favorite year for dance ever. I definitely got better costumes when I was in the production group, but I guess they're a priority. The worst part is that it's not like there's not any other costume options. It's just that we all look totally different, and they have to find costumes that make us look the same. (By different I mean we all have radically different body types: short and stout, tall and toothpick-y, tall and curvy, short and skinny-to-healthy, etcetera.) I'm so glad that I have all of my dances on one night this year. I'll wear these costumes once, and never have to think about them again... hopefully. Going to go find a soda. I might be back later.

Reading again. :D

Also dying of heat/humidity/whatever-this-evil-weather-is-called. :P

At least it's Friday. :)

I went on a walk with my dog, and on the way back to my house, he walked into the street and lay down in the road. He probably needed a break, because it was so hot, but it kind of freaked me out because we were walking on a fairly busy street. So, I went over to him and pet him a little and gave some words of encouragement, and we continued on home.

This doesn't really have a point. I just thought it was a sort of funny story.

I don't like Mondays, but probably not for the reason you're thinking. It's just that they're not Tuesdays.

WARNING: Never watch The Starving Games. My brothers' friend (who is like 11) recommended it because he thought it was funny. (Note: after watching this, I'm concerned about why he would actually recommend this. It really should have been rated R or something.) So we decided to watch it. As a family.

He really should have warned us that it is a movie you do not watch with your parents. And also really weird.

I think I might actually be psychologically scarred now. Also because there were actors that I knew in it. The mean girl in Mean Girls 2. Paisley from Ant Farm at the beginning. Random other actors that I knew but can't remember now while I'm typing this. All of them doing and saying many gross and weird things.

Honestly, most of it would have been funny, if my parents weren't watching it with me five feet away. Except for some of it.

Scarred for life.

Just got back from the SAT. Ugh. That was awful. Four hours in a room with people who knew each other but that I did not know, taking a test that actually matters. And the only thing in which I am remotely confident that I did well in is the essay. Which doesn't really count so much. My dilemma.